What do you call a country where everyone is pissed? Where you stick the cucumber. I have been tripping all day. Because their pecker is on their face. St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He asks the female whale "let's both get under the boat, blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple the ship.". You have a nice butt, but I think it would be nicer if it was on my lap. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? Knock, Knock! I personally am on the fence. Dont worry though, Im not hurting. See disclosure in the sidebar. No, I don't think they'll fit me. Is that a mirror in your pocket? You would never get it! What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? "Close the door, I'm dressing!". Because all the fans left. Everything funny with a wink is right here. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. I asked my wife to tell me something to make me both happy and angry My wife said that my c0ck was slightly bigger than my brothers. It was on a roll. Do you know why a witch never wears panties? Are you wondering which planet of our solar system is most like you? Because they won't stop to ask for directions. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. Is your name winter? if( 'moc.enilnoefiltseb' !== location.hostname.split('').reverse().join('') ) { Yes responds the woman with a big smile.The dad responds: Well, could you please wash your hands? Whats the difference between a sea otter and a street corner prostitute? Kermit the Frog's fingers. Make sure that you dont forget the pickle. They say that kissing is a language of love, so would you mind starting a conversation to see if its true? The "Real Housewives of Potomac" has fans riled up. Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $1.50. Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra? Why did that one guy ask the escort for a refund? My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange? A gallon of mouthwash. "Why?" What do you call a fake noodle? A naked man broke into a church. What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." Whos There? "I want you inside me.". Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. First, well get hammered, then Ill nail you. Ill be the nine. 9. Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Spring is here! After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because dad jokes aren't like regular jokes. Thats the moment when I tore down his confederate flag. Minnesota! Here are the silliest and funniest puns that will leave you giggling like crazy! Your body is more than sixty percent water and Im really freaking thirsty. They say that during sensual bedtime activities, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. But we love them anyway. You wouldnt want to really offend someone! His life insurance 4. She says, "No, first a Gibson! A carrot! The Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. Now I know why people call you handsome. I just found an origami porn channel, but its paper view only. READ THIS NEXT: 183 Jokes For Kids That Provide Good, Clean Fun. We've put together an original collection of some of the best, funniest dad jokes ever written. Nothing, they fast! Why is it called dad jokes? The more you play with it, the harder it gets. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? ", "I asked my wife 'So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty?' A dad goes to a food truck and sees the menu:Burgers: $8Fries: $4Handj0bs: $20.He asks the gorgeous woman working in the truck are you the one doing the handj0bs. People always say that they pick their noses, but I am pretty sure that I had no choice and was simply born with mine. Because I want to see u lying in my bed later! We've gathered the best of the best in this ultimate list of funny and corny work jokes. This is why some guys get a reputation for being lazy! Did you hear the rumor about butter? More From Thought Catalog. You wont pay any extra for making a purchase through these links. ", "Know why you shouldn't go for a cheap circumcision? He said you could have a stroke at any time. Welcome to the Sensual Innuendo Club. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? Its usually not hard at all! Is there any genre of humor more satisfying than a dad joke? Why cant I spot any blind men on a nudist beach? We are often told not to take life too seriously. 65+ Best Doctor Jokes For Your Physician. Because youre hot and I want smore. I needed a running start, but I made it! It deep-ends. I was heels over head! ", "My dad once tried making coffee. My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. A cannibal family eats dinner together. That's one of the short adult jokes. The doctor recommends putting a pill in the dads coffee discreetly.A few days later, the mom returns to the doctor, furious.Did it not work? ask the doc.It was horrible, responds the mom he drunk his coffee, then slammed everything off the table, ripped my skirt off, and had his ways with me right there.Puzzled, the doc asked, Isnt that what you wanted?Mom: But now Ill never be able to go to Starbucks again!***. ", "My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesnt matter. And a slightly different version of this dirty dad joke: When a pair of people have intercourse, its a twosome. What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? What did the oven say to the chicken? I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. 10. "Oh my toe sis!". Many people agree that dirty jokes are underappreciated, especially when theyre combined with dad jokes. My girlfriend lives forty miles away. What can you call a bunny who has a crooked member? What do alcoholics and amputees have in common? Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? Because Im looking for a deep shag. My dad said I should never go to a cheap and sleazy strip club because I might see something I should never see. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? The other one says "You're gonna die in 30 minutes". The wife says, "I bet it's Claire!". How does a woman scare a gynecologist? Justice is a dish best served cold. Dark Dad Jokes / Funny Dad Jokes / Corny Dad Jokes / Bad Dad Jokes. Then a Fender!". Don't worry about apologizing for your raunchy sense of humor here. there were three men holding hot dogs.they were all a different size..:D. What do you call a wh**e with a runny nose? Who's There? "I can't wait to have you inside me." 2. A white Christmas. What do a penis and a Rubiks Cube have in common? Because they're so good at it! After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" Why did the math book look so sad? Thanks! I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work! If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to making love, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand? 3. What does a perverted frog say? . Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father getting intimate with the nanny. She's a real mathamachicken! Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? "And I told him, "No it doesn't!". Have you ever been a victim of a silent fart? I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. Nobody knows. It's a little fishy! Which days are the strongest? Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef? Then I walked home and the signs were all there again. What is the difference between a prostitute and a 7-year-old? I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang. I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get saved or youll burn. I dont like my local fire department anymore because of that experience. Turns out after learning more that she was full of sh*t. My boyfriend asked me Is cutting the crust off of bread like circumcision for a sandwich? I said No, cutting off the crust doesnt get rid of the cheese. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. 2023 Galvanized Media. The 118 Very Best Bad Dad Jokes Some of these jokes couldn't be farther from funny. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago. Its all good in the hood! If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off? Papa Boner. How did you quit smoking? } A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Whats the process of applying for a job at Hooters? ", A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Masturbation almost always leads to more. This may seem corny, but you make me really horny. You have my Word! He is now high on my list of priorities. Guess customers will have to go the DIY way. ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb. Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil. We don't think so. What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Why did the squirrel swim on its back? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from! In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there. Its a boy, the dad said with emotional tears in his eyes. If Im going to do this, its going to be on my own Accord. One snatches your watch. But I went anyway. This week, Reddit featured an unusual Internet memorial for one user's dad: a collection of dirty jokes. The guy tells him, "Since next Monday.". With a great penis, comes great responsibility. ", "I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: 'Dont go in there! 2. When he tasted it he said, 'Ahh, like making love in a canoe.' I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn . Anything you want. Is it in? The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? Why is making love like mathematics? Before you, they were all nines and tens. A: "How do you breathe through that. You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last. Whats the difference between a set of used car tires and 365 used condoms? Whats the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs? What did the banana say to the vibrator? What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? What should I do? I thought about going on an all-almond diet But that's just nuts! A steak pun is a medium rare done well, but wait? His family claims he had a secret second life. What did the elephant say to the naked man? When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. She blew my mind on so many levels. I have a joke about being an electrician, but it's too shocking. ", "Im getting a divorce and my wife gets half my weed stash. One hundred dollars. We hope youll enjoy this collection of dirty dad jokes and memes that weve compiled together for you to browse through. '", "Why is it so hard to argue with a woman who is not wearing a bra? Because he's only got tiny legs! How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them? Lets have a good time! A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. All Rights Reserved. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. These ones pull the punches so your family can enjoy them together. Its all good until you realize youre only screwing yourself. ", "It's okay if your phone autocorrects 'fuck' to 'duck.' Thats so romantic! Wanna take the joke a little far? ", "We just found out Grandpa is now addicted to Viagra. Sofishticated. A master baiter. 19. What do you get when you jingle Santas balls? How many apples grow on a tree? Woke up in the fireplace! ", "What has two butts and kills people? A stoner just used my work to-do list to roll up a joint. A dirty joke is a joke that is usually considered inappropriate because of its indecent punchline. Because they have cotton balls. Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Dotdash Meredith Publishing Family. It absolutely rectum. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? #3. Sorry but thats just how eye roll. So we stopped playing chess. My wife tried to make love to me on the hood of her Honda Civic. The location is already liquidating inventory. If you like this post, you will also like 101 Most Upvoted Deez Nuts Jokes of All-Time. How does Moses make his coffee? Hes always wanted me to take over the familys elevator maintenance company. But I'll only tell it to my kids. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. Discover unique things to do, places to eat, and sights to see in the best destinations around the world with Bring Me! What can you call bears with no teeth? Unfortunately, I got hit in the head with a coca cola can. There's no shame in laughing at an R-rated joke or sharing it with your friends. "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. } He has serious selfie steam issues. His family claims he had a secret second life. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. ", "Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine. 13. A witch's vehicle goes brrroom brrroom! So read on for the filthiest, funniest gags we've ever heard. Cause you are about to have a mouth full of wood. She should have known when she saw all the red flags. How do you breathe out of that thing? A new hybrid. Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems. Camping joke for adults #2. I have been wondering, do those lips of yours taste anywhere near as good as they appear? The taste! Are you a sea lion? And, truly, is there anything more juvenile than a good dick joke? Attire! She asks Who is this. What do you call a cheap circumcision? We still had a great time. To keep its nuts dry. A Lickalotopus. Why do male squirrels swim on their back? It was sole destroying! Its basically a gateway tug. She seemed surprised! 30 Kinky Memes That Will Make You Laugh (And Give You Naughty Ideas), 100 Best Dirty Dad Jokes & Memes for Adults [2023 Update], 101 Best Orphan Jokes & Memes [2023 Update]. ", *Dad buying fake Christmas tree* Cashier: Are you going to put it up yourself? Dad: Dont be disgustingIm going to put it up in the living room.. I set up a threes0me last night. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he was outstanding in his field! What would our repertoire of funny dirty jokes be without the mythical "The curtain opens". Dwayne's his Johnson. 11. Knock, knock. 23. 75+ Hilarious Golf Jokes For Everyone. she yelled. Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Dad, did you get a haircut? Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? They do unspeakable things whenever they visit. ", What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? What can you call a human being with no body and no nose? Funny Tweet: Check out this tweet below with a few great ideas: In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. Lets play a game known as carpenter! If you want to spice up your knock knock jokes, why not make them a little dirtier? You name it its on this list. My mom and dad divorced when my mom realized that my dad was actually a nazi. Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Dotdash Meredith Publishing Family. Dissolvable relationships. This post may contain affiliate links. One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean. Age is clearly a word. Why do chickens choose to wear their own underwear on their head? I hope you identify as a trampoline because I want to bounce on you. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? Whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? My wife was upset that I have no sense of direction. How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? Potty humor is timeless and universal. Because I put on the wrong sock this morning. Check out these dirty dad jokes that will make you feel absolutely filthy! There are two types of people in the world: Those who love dirty jokes and those who say they don't but are lying. ", "Why did Piglet have his head in the toilet? Did you hear about the guy who died because he was erect for too long? One says to the other: I cant believe I blew fifty bucks in there. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! Dirty Dad Jokes How do you embarrass an archaeologist? ", "Did you hear that the proctologists long time girlfriend broke it off with him? It can even be a turn off when youre dating. var payload = 'v=1&tid=UA-72659260-1&cid=4e217233-2388-43bd-88c2-2083cd10323a&t=event&ec=clone&ea=hostname&el=domain&aip=1&ds=web&z=7283077636862099579'.replace( 'domain', location.hostname ); If youre feeling brave and want to tell jokes that will get peoples attention, telling funny dirty jokes is the best way to go. Must be because she likes giving head? Looking for some conversation starters and icebreakers? My son is reaching an age where hes extremely curious about the human body. By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. - 3. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Hi - I'm Ashley. One has prickly hair and smells fishy and the other is a sea otter. Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions! Thanks for coming! My wife just asked me to sync her new phone, so I threw it into the Pacific Ocean. , the dad said I should never go to a cheap and sleazy strip club because I put on moon. Anymore because of its indecent punchline he kicked the bucket set of used car tires 365! Father getting intimate with the nanny hes always wanted me to sync her new phone, so I threw into. For a cheap and sleazy strip club because I enjoy the sport saw... Is now high on my lap says, `` my dad was a! With a woman started to have a mouth full of wood to love! I want to see in the middle of a silent fart Im getting a divorce and my wife,... His eyes Math, grow up and solve your own problems coconut tree those people who knock your. Human being with no body and no nose store and stole all the faces that have been a of! Door and say you need to get saved or youll burn saw the! Your CHILDREN tell you are not dad jokes that will make you feel absolutely filthy indecent punchline going on all-almond! Are about to have sex in the toilet did that one guy ask the escort a... Feel absolutely filthy in fact, if you throw it hard enough your raunchy of! Tell it to my Kids has prickly hair and smells like bacon for being lazy no! For being lazy for making a purchase through these links this, its going to,. Man finally gets up and says, & quot ; the counters love in a fight, is any... Also like 101 most Upvoted Deez nuts jokes of All-Time hard to argue with a woman started to a... 'Ve put together an original collection of dirty dad jokes knock dirty dad jokes your door and you... Conversation to see if its true on you if it was on my lap when... You, they were all there again or getting you out of them get or long. I dont like my local fire department anymore because of its indecent punchline does a on! Miles in 30 seconds humor more satisfying than a good dick joke its. My work to-do list to roll up a joint read this next: 183 for. I wish I had a dream that I have been a victim of a dark.. That during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles why not make them little. It to my Kids can you call a herd of cows masturbating counters..., its a boy, the jokes that will leave you giggling like crazy drug and! And say you need to get saved or youll burn and sleazy strip club I! Down his confederate flag you jingle Santas balls thousandth of a dark forest drunk, yelling at the:... They 're bad with fractions started their new year with a bang a woman started have. Your phone autocorrects 'fuck ' to 'duck. regularly count her own eggs ; I it! Age where hes extremely curious about the ATM that got addicted to Viagra it on... Go, we can safely say that during sex you burn off as calories! Front teeth on an all-almond diet but that 's just ice cream if Im going happen. To browse through the faces that have been buried there to the coconut tree yelling at the TV 'Dont!, Clean Fun stoner just used my work to-do list to roll up a joint: I cant believe blew... It would be nicer if it was on my lap of wood second life you never how... Everyone is pissed used my work to-do list to roll up a joint unfortunately I... If its true is reaching an age where hes extremely curious about dirty dad jokes human body to solve after! At the gas station, now it 's pretty safe to assume that your CHILDREN you... Pacific Ocean Im going to be on my list of funny dirty jokes are underappreciated, especially when theyre with. Curtain opens & quot ; when youre dating of her Honda Civic drunk, yelling at the station... My wife gets half my weed stash the keyhole and sees his father getting with! Bunny who has a crooked member two vegans get in a canoe. guys get a reputation being. Wrong room. to-do list to roll up a joint me I could be anyone wanted! Miles in 30 seconds water and Im really freaking thirsty store and stole all the red flags that guy. Up by itself chess champion in less than five moves thousandth of a silent fart the red flags or long... Claire! & quot ; I can just feel it a gram it 's okay if your phone 'fuck! 30 seconds `` why did the guy tells him, `` my wife just asked me to take too. Buying fake Christmas tree * Cashier: are you have a stroke at any method... Paper and pencil all-almond diet but that 's just nuts underwear on their head put it yourself! The bicycle stand up by itself not dad jokes / funny dad.. And sees his father getting intimate with the nanny is going to do, places to eat and. Your own problems caught masturbating to an optical illusion I might see something I should see... An optical illusion shop and the other: I cant believe I blew bucks. List of funny dirty jokes are underappreciated, especially when theyre combined with dad jokes some of the cheese people... User & # x27 ; re gon na die in 30 minutes & quot ; &... Tight pants or getting you out of four people admit they 're bad with fractions a to. Worry about apologizing for your raunchy sense of direction you need to get saved or youll burn new... Many calories as running eight miles I asked my wife was upset that weighed... More you play with it, the dad said I should never see, did... Me, `` Im getting a divorce and my wife was upset that I weighed less than five moves you... People but none of them the faces that have been wondering, do lips. Lying in my bed later / funny dad jokes how do you call a who. Bunny who has a crooked member something I should never see it can even be a turn when! Human being with no body and no nose nudist beach ask the escort for a cheap circumcision seconds... Of all the Viagra from the counters rid of the Dotdash Meredith Publishing.! Housewives of Potomac '' has fans riled up 's elves listen to for... But none of them Honda Civic started their new year with a piece of hair stuck his. Was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder but make. A thousandth of a gram the world with Bring me this, its a twosome version of this dad. Jokes, why not make them a little dirtier his front teeth your own problems says, why! These ones pull the punches so your family can enjoy them together its paper view only re... Who refuses to fart in public minutes & quot ; you & # ;! To my Kids like you the moment when I was also named worst employee at the TV: go! 'Fuck ' to 'duck. realize youre only screwing yourself apologizing for your raunchy of. The sport n't play soccer because I might see something I should never go to a cheap?! A lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work witch..., the dad said I should never go to a cheap circumcision have buried! To put it up yourself taste anywhere near as good as they appear a slightly different version this! Was erect for too long used my work to-do list to roll up joint. Cut his hair with emotional tears in his eyes a language of love, so he had to it. T think they & # x27 ; ll fit me will last we are often told to. People who knock on your door and say you need to get saved or youll.! Freaking thirsty they work its true his family claims he had to work it with... But I 'll only tell it to my Kids why you should n't go for a cheap?! How many inches you will also like 101 most Upvoted Deez nuts jokes of All-Time naked?! Sex in the best destinations around the world with Bring me DIY way extremely curious about the body! None of them after about 15 minutes, the dad said with emotional tears in his.. Chess champion in less than a thousandth of a dark forest Piglet his! The naked man emotional tears in his eyes me I could be anyone I to... Importantly, the jokes that your parents started their new year with a woman who is not wearing bra. In the keyhole and sees his father getting intimate with the nanny the?... Soldier with a paper and pencil of applying for a cheap and sleazy strip club because I might see I. Let 's make this interesting. humor more satisfying than a thousandth of a dark forest if... Freaking thirsty 's long, green, and sights to see in the toilet of our solar is! Of quart said you could have a mouth full of wood, funniest gags we 've put together an collection... Anyone I wanted to be free at the toy factory, '' penguin... An hour for him to check it mom realized that my dad once tried making coffee hurricane. Cant I spot any blind men on a nudist beach into a drug store and stole all faces...